“I’m bored”
I’m guessing, if you’re a mom, you’re already more than familiar with this repetitive refrain from your brood as the long, lazy, seemingly endless summer days begin in earnest. Yet, despite their frequent but thankfully mostly short-lived complaints of “having absolutely nothing to play with,” for most children, the very idea of having extended hours of unstructured play can seem like heaven—at least for a little while. For our neurodiverse kids, however, this scenario can conjure up a wide range of complicated feelings.
My 7-year-old daughter is on the autistic spectrum and subsequently thrives in a routine-driven environment which offers her a familiar structure to her days. Despite looking forward to the summer break, the sudden removal of this safety net can leave her feeling, amongst other things, anxious, restless, reactive, disconnected, overwhelmed, and highly emotional.
So, as parents, how can we support our neurodiverse kids through the summer break, while still managing to provide a summer experience that benefits the entire family? I am by no means an expert, but here are a few strategies I have learned along the way that have helped my daughter and everyone in our household navigate the summer with less stress and greater joy.
PROVIDE A SCHEDULE
“Schedules are meant to help, not hinder. Create them with your lifestyle in mind.”
Chrissy Halton
This one seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet, understandably, after an entire school year at the mercy of the clock and the calendar, the thought of returning to a highly scheduled timetable of activities can feel overwhelming to say the least. Not to mention that it’s not always even possible with holidays and family outings in the mix.
Yet it is possible to provide some form of framework to your days without allowing it to diminish completely the relaxed spontaneity that summer can offer. And though it might look different for every child and unique family situation, introducing some form of schedule to add a little more consistency to your day can be a game-changer in reducing your daily stress and increasing your flexibility.
By way of example, our schedule typically consists of broad (yet structured sections) of time throughout the day which allow plenty of opportunities for free choice. I tend not to add specific timings to each block of time to ensure there can be flexibility, and also to avoid my daughter getting too fixated on the timings of each activity block. For example:
WAKE UP
BREAKFAST
BRUSH TEETH
GET DRESSED
TABLE TIME (drawing/coloring/workbook, reading)
ACTIVITY TIME (puzzle, playdough, game, craft, lego)
OUTING
LUNCH
QUIET TIME (TV/Kindle)
INDEPENDENT PLAY (*more on this later)
OUTING/PLAY OUTSIDE
DINNER
BEDTIME ROUTINE
In order to set your child up for success, it’s important to ensure that your schedule is tailored to your child’s needs and works for everyone in your family. Perhaps they would benefit from cards with symbols or pictures that can be moved around on a board, or they might enjoy a checklist-type format they can tick off when activities are completed. Or maybe they’re old enough to have a say in how they would like their schedule to look. However you choose to do it, remember the goal is to reduce family stress—not add to it!
- Top Tip: If you’re looking for more inspiration and ideas, my friend Sophie Agbonkhese, a homeschooling mom of 4, wrote this extremely practical and helpful article for Joyful Life Magazine on how to set up an effective summer schedule for kids here. It’s definitely worth the read.
PREPARE IN ADVANCE
“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
Benjamin Franklin
Most parents of neurodiverse kids know that preparation is key to their daily success and ability to thrive in different environments. Although during the summer we may want to go with the flow a little more and embrace the spontaneity that these days can offer, exposing our children to all these new experiences reinforce the need to prepare them adequately for success. You can do this in a number of ways.
Provide Information
Even as adults, we like to know what kind of situation we are walking into (and what the parking is like—though maybe that’s just me!). Our neurodiverse kids are no different. So, if you are sending them to a new camp, talk through what a typical day is going to look like, show them photos if available, or maybe even do a dry run so they can see where it is and what to expect on the first day walking in. Tell them who will be there and who their go-to person is if they need help. You might also want to talk about some strategies they can employ if they are feeling overwhelmed in that situation i.e. a ‘calm down’ corner or a quiet reading room. Similarly, if you’re taking a family trip, try and show them where you’ll be staying, and what they can expect (approximately) from your itinerary. Although I typically have to repeat the same information and answer the same questions over and over, my daughter is often far more excited about and on board with an unfamiliar upcoming activity if she is fully prepped, and the transition is subsequently easier on everyone.
- Top Tip: For some children, personalized Social Stories can be used to help prepare them for what to expect and how to behave in a given situation. Easily adaptable and visual, they can be read and rehearsed many times before the event to build confidence and security with your child. You can look at some free examples of Social Stories here.
Develop a Plan B
During the summer, it’s also helpful to have a plan B in place that you can share with your child in the event of canceled plans. Unexpected changes in routine can be especially upsetting for a neurodiverse child, so preparing them with a backup option provides them with some much-needed security ahead of time.
Involving older children in choosing plan B (or even plan C) options also helps to facilitate some problem solving and independence (before, rather than in the middle of a potentially stressful situation.) For example:
“We’re going to Dunkin’ to pick a donut. If they don’t have your favorite, lets pick a back up (plan b) and a back up, back up (plan c).“
“We’re planning to go to the playground today, but if it rains, let’s pick two things we could maybe do instead and prioritize them.”
It may sound ridiculously simple, but hear me, mamas, this simple step has been a lifesaver for our family in a drive thru line or any given rainy day.
- Top Tip: Making a Summer Bucket list is also a great way to help your child take some ownership in planning some outings and potentially be more flexible about doing something “last minute” if it’s already on the list.
PRACTICE SKILLS
“When it comes to mastering a skills, time is the magic ingredient”
Robert Greene
Without the exhaustion and restraint collapse that typically accompanies the end of the school day, selecting a few key life or behavioral skills to work on at home over the summer has been a great way to build confidence and utilize our time well. If you, like me, parent a perfectionist who is not all that keen to practice skills that present a challenge, here are some tips I’ve found to make it a little more palatable for all involved.
Make it functional
One way we have tried to increase motivation is include these skills in fun yet functional activities. For example, practicing fine motor skills by threading beads to make bracelets for friends, practicing reading and math by following a recipe and measuring out ingredients, practicing money skills by spending pocket money in a store, or practicing a conversational strategy when we’re out chatting to neighbors on a walk round the block.
Lead with their interests
My daughter is obsessed with deer and we often incorporate this special interest into skills-based activities. For example one recent task involved researching different types of deer on the computer, printing out pictures from Google, cutting and sticking them into a book, and finally writing down a few facts about each one. We targeted so many different skills in one activity and—the best part—she didn’t even realize it because she was having so much fun!
Reward the Practice
There are some necessary skills that are almost impossible to make fun. In these cases we try and set aside a few minutes of practice every day and, at the end of the week, reward her attempts with a small treat. Some might call it bribery—I prefer the term positive reinforcement… In the past, we have also selected a few key skills to practice over the summer and then presented her with a (homemade!) certificate once she mastered them.
- Top Tip: Remember to reward the effort, not just the successes. Some skills take longer for our kids to master, and if the reward or positive reinforcement is dependent on them achieving the goal, it may be more difficult to motivate them to keep working on it.
INDEPENDENT PLAY
“It is a happy talent to know how to play.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Just go and play!” Oh I’ve said this phrase repeatedly over the years only to see my daughter returning every 5 minutes with a questions or a plea for me to join in, or more typically, “But I don’t know what to play with!”
The truth is, independent play is often difficult for our neurodiverse kids, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier when we just need a few minutes to accomplish something else. Yet despite the challenges involved, it is definitely worth the time and effort to consistently practice the concept of independent play with a view to eventually improving a skills that is both vital for learning and development—and giving mama a much needed break.
Set Expectations
One way we have tried to incorporate some independent play into our day is to set expectations. My daughter is generally more amenable to the idea if she clearly understands what this time should look like (for both me and her), whereas an open ended command to just “go and play” can frequently unsettle her. We have used a timer to gradually increase the amount of time she is expected to play independently, and have also made sure she understands this timeframe will be followed by an activity we will do together.
Offer ideas
It may also be helpful to offer your child some choices for what they can do during this independent play time or set her up with an activity in advance since free choice can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
- Top Tip: My friend Laura Fox wrote this super practical article full of great ideas on how you can encourage independent play and foster creativity in your kids. You can check it out here
Embracing the Summer
I think often, as moms of neurodiverse children who flourish within a structured environment, it’s easy to dread a summer full of unpredictability and change. We anticipate meltdowns and perhaps even sometimes represent the ‘normal’ summer activities our children can’t or don’t want to do. But I’m here to tell you, summer can be an incredible time of connectivity and growth with your child; an opportunity for them to be challenged and thrive in situations you perhaps never thought possible. It might take some extra work to get them there, but I’m telling you mama, the pay off will be more than worth it.
So let’s embrace it; embrace them—and enjoy a summer to treasure for years to come.
