Today a friend called me and asked how I was ‘managing’ as a mom of two now. I laughed. If you replace ‘managing’ with ‘surviving’, you might get a more accurate picture of where we are three months into life with a toddler and a baby. It’s hard to describe what a day in the life is like unless you’re living it. Today, for example, there was a fleeting window when both children were napping at the same time and I thought for the briefest of moments ‘I’ve got this.’ Then everyone woke up and it was back to being like feeding time at the zoo. I had to acknowledge that I in no way, ‘had this’. Whatever ‘this’ is.
One word that probably sums up this phase of life the best just now is this: Relentless. From dawn to dusk, life moves at a whirlwind pace. Trying to get a toddler to eat something more than endless snacks, attempting something vaguely resembling a nap schedule, potty training, entertaining, tear-wiping, disciplining, teaching them how to grasp confusing concepts such as sharing and the fact that you have to wear clothes. And don’t even get me started on trying to actually leave the house to go anywhere. Walking to the mailbox can seem like an expedition of epic proportions. Then there are the non-child-care related tasks like making sure everyone has clean(ish) clothes and there’s food in the fridge. Oh, and that the house isn’t a disaster zone.
Relentless.
You find yourselves going nonstop from the moment you hear that first wail until the moment your head hits the pillow. You realize hours have passed since you ate or drank something yourself or went to the bathroom. Your needs are on pause. No downtime. No ‘me’ time.
Yes, it’s a phase. Yes, I know these are the days that I will probably look back on longingly with an ache in my heart – so I’m told… The cuteness, the cuddles, the smiles. Their helplessness and dependence on you for every little thing. The fierce, unflinching love they have for you and their delight to be with us. ALL the time! These are truly days of wonder and love and so much learning. But oh it can be hard. The weight of it all can seem almost crushing, the monotony of certain tasks almost too much to bear. The thought of doing it all again in the morning can sometimes seem too much. Beyond what I can handle.
But as moms (and dads) we have to handle it. We get up each and every day and do it all over again. So how can we combat the relentlessness? How can we ease the burden when we’re feeling physically and emotionally spent? Here are some things I’m learning…
I need to give myself grace.
It’s so easy to say but oh so hard to do. If you’re like me, you’re still trying to do it all. When two little beings need you all the time and often urgently at the exact same moment, we can’t split ourselves in two. Multitasking has its limits. Someone has to wait a bit longer to get what they need and that irrational guilt you feel in that moment, when you know you can’t be everything they both need at the exact same time, you need to let it go. The standards that you’re trying to live up to when it comes to keeping a home worthy of Joanna Gaines, or making organic Pinterest-worthy meals every night, are based on nothing but our own unrealistic expectations. Yet so often we feel crushed by the weight of them, that somehow we’re failing if we’re not ticking all the boxes that we’ve set for ourselves.
I’m learning that eventually the laundry will get done (the laundry fairy has to get to me eventually right!?) , the dishes will be washed. If we don’t have a home-cooked meal every night, my children will survive. If one of my children has to wait a little bit longer to get what they need because I’m dealing with the other one, they won’t hold it against me in the long term. Sometimes giving ourselves grace means embracing the chaos a little more and focusing on the stuff that actually matters. With the jump from one child to two, I simply cannot do it all and that is okay. Give yourself grace.
I can’t do it alone.
The irony of being a stay at home mom when you are surrounded by little people every second of the day is that it can be a lonely experience. Yet we often forget that we’re not actually on this journey of motherhood alone. As moms, how often do we feel like we always have to be strong, the one holding everyone else up? We wake up every day and try to carry the load singlehandedly, even when our back is breaking with the weight of it. We pretend we’re on top of everything, that we’ve ‘got this.’ Even when our strength is depleted and our resolve is gone.
I have found tremendous support through my mom tribe, both online and in person. Women who have listened, without judgement and supported me through the day or whatever crisis was unfolding at the time. Women with whom I have laughed and cried, who have brought over coffee, or taken the baby without a second thought to give me a few minutes to breathe. Friends you can be real with, who allow us to lower the masks and glimpse our true selves, messy and vulnerable as they are! These relationships are vital. They will be your lifeline.
I hope you have people like that in your life. But as a Christian there is another relationship that is quite literally a lifeline. Over and over again, the bible tells us we simply do not need to do life alone or rely on our own strength. That when we are at our weakest, God is our strength. When we feel we don’t have the strength to persevere, His strength sustains us. He is the answer to our weariness.
“My grace is sufficient for you,” the Lord says, “my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength,” He says in Isaiah 40:31. “They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Several years ago, my husband and I were part of a group trip hiking the trail to Machu Picchu. The high altitudes increased the physical demands of the trail and despite only carrying small day packs containing our necessities, we would arrive at camp every evening utterly exhausted. While we were struggling with the weight of our little packs, our group also consisted of porters, native to the region, who would run ahead of us, carrying enormous packs with everything we needed to set up camp. Tents, sleeping bags, food, even cooking equipment. Literally everything. Laden down with these enormous packs, they would sprint ahead of us to ensure everything was set up for our arrival. They didn’t seem to be struggling with the weight at all. In fact they made it look easy. There’s no way we could have made any progress on the trail if we had to carry everything we needed for the journey. We needed their help to carry the load.
In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
What a blessing to have a God who is not content to observe us struggling with our heavy load. All we have to do is carry our small packs, with everything we need for the day to day. The rest of it, the stuff that’s simply too much for us to carry on our own, God is offering to carry that for us. What’s more, He goes before us on the road ahead. He prepares the way for us. All we have to do is carry what we can and trust Him for the rest.
We can do ALL things through His strength. Whether it’s the demands of motherhood, marriage, major health issues or life decisions, nothing is too big for the Lord to handle, or carry on our behalf. So the next time I face a relentless day; when the demands of the day seem overwhelming, I’m going to try to give it all to God whose love for me is beyond measure and whose strength far surpasses my own. There in his strength, I will find my joy.